


Apogee

by TidalDragon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Battle of Hogwarts, Canonical Character Death, Community: HPFT, F/M, Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:46:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6706717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TidalDragon/pseuds/TidalDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since his early childhood, Remus Lupin's life has revolved around the moon. Why should his last 24 hours on Earth be any different?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apogee

I awoke with a start to total darkness pierced by a single, instantly-recognizable sound. It amazes me how many emotions your child’s cry can inspire. In the world we live in the first is always panic, that rushing, heart-pounding feeling that instantly quells sluggishness and either sets you flying forward or frozen in place. In the next moment comes relief. When you have enemies who can kill those you are most desperate to protect with words and a sophisticated stick, a cry means they’re still alive. Then you remember it’s your child. Yours. A living being that you helped bring into this world. And you feel love. If you’re a self-torturing werewolf like me, you use that to fight back the unwanted mixture of fear and shame that threatens to bubble to the surface. Then you rush as fast as someone running on little sleep and suddenly awoken after midnight can to soothe the screams.

  
  
   
And so I bolted over the bed, across the body of my still groggy wife, to where my son lay in his bassinet. I scooped him up carefully into my arms, rocking him gently.  
  
  
“Don’t cry,” I whispered. “Daddy has you, Teddy. Don’t cry.” For the first time since he was born, he quieted in my arms.  
  
  
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. ‘Dora. And to think, for a moment I believed I had actually calmed him down. I turned the pair of us so we could each see his mother’s face. Frowning, I handed his small, swaddled body over.  
  
  
My wife chuckled. “Don’t be cross with him, Remus. He’s not even a month old.”  
  
  
Seeing her hold our son, one of the few times she stayed, hair and all, in a perfectly natural state, I couldn’t help but smile. As she readied herself to feed him, I stared out the window stepping into the moonlight. Again, there were so many feelings. Love of course, and then gratitude. I frowned again as I looked upon the moon. It never let me forget. Now I felt pain. To think that I had been so foolish to believe I was like so many of my brethren, a sub-human, unworthy of her. Unworthy of everything she represented. More pain followed. To remember how I had been so selfish to abandon my wife and child in a time of brutality and war. Quickly, I turned away from the waxing crescent, eager to escape the dark trail my mind once again threatened to travel down.  
  
  
I sat on the end of our bed, a tepid smile re-entering my face as I locked eyes with ‘Dora. Since my return we had exchanged this look too many times to count. I wondered at how her eyes always managed to softly convey whatever I needed most. That was supposed to be my job, but then we always made a peculiar pair. I tried earnestly to do the same for her. Whether I succeeded or not I didn’t know, but as she turned to look at Teddy I hoped that one day I would give them the life they deserved.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Teddy woke next at 5:00 AM, apparently feeling that such an early hour was as good a time as any for breakfast. This time, ‘Dora was quicker however, and I slowly dragged myself downstairs to begin the daily process of renewing the protective wards around her mother’s home. For now, the moon still lingered above the horizon, and as my weary arm drug my wand through the same motions it had performed so many times before, I could see its partially-illuminated face hanging just above the treetops in the distance.  
  
  
I tried to imagine what that day of safety and satisfaction I had hoped for would look like, but as the silvery light filtered down on me through the thin, early morning fog, it was difficult to even begin the most rudimentary visualization. The Ministry had fallen almost a year ago. The Order was in hiding, its efforts at resistance in complete disarray. Harry was nowhere to be found.  
  
  
Still, James’s son was out there somewhere, fighting as hard as his father had against the same sadistic entourage and their same uniquely evil leader. Truth be told, based on skills alone, Harry probably didn’t have a quarter of the chance James would’ve against Voldemort with a wand in his hand instead of a room away.  
  
  
I finished my casting of the final ward and trudged back toward the house. By the light of her wand, I could see my wife in the window over the kitchen sink, happily smiling as she held our infant son. With help from his mother, once again sporting her eye-catching pink hair, Teddy’s tiny hand was waving. I smiled. Objectively it was probably more of a flap, but who needed to know? I needed a camera. The look of confusion on his small face compared to his mother’s unbridled joy at the assisted act was priceless. Perhaps a story we could share for his embarrassment to the unsuspecting witch he brought home to meet us.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
When Andromeda stepped outside to pace the ward lines and ‘Dora lay down to rest just after lunchtime, I seized the opportunity to be alone with my son. Such moments between us were too precious to miss.  
  
  
“Teddy,” I cajoled, catching his eye with the tip of an outstretched finger. It was amazing to behold what simple things could captivate his attention with his mind not yet jaded by stores of knowledge and experience.  
  
  
He opened his mouth to leak a bit of drool in response.  
  
  
I smiled.  
  
  
Hoisting him up from his resting place against the old armchair once haunted by his late namesake, I cradled Teddy carefully against my chest, swaying gently from side to side as I looked into his eyes. “You are special, Teddy. Did you know that?”  
  
  
His wide eyes stared blankly back.  
  
  
Again, I smiled.  
  
  
“Well,” I began, chuckling, “you’ll learn soon enough. You’re very lucky too, Teddy. Did you know that?”  
  
  
This time he squirmed, scrunching his fate tightly and inadvertently turning his eyes green. He was sleepy. Our time together was fading.  
  
  
“Well, you’ll learn that soon enough too. I know you’re already quite attached, but your Mum is an incredible woman. She’ll make you laugh. She’s tough enough she might make you cry for me instead one of these days,” I continued, snorting lightly at my own joke. “But you know what’s most important about your Mum? She never gives up on people she loves.”  
  
  
Teddy blinked.  
  
  
“That means us,” I quickly added, looking wistfully toward the staircase that led to our bedroom, where ‘Dora was fast asleep. “Don’t ask me why she chose me. I can’t explain that. But I’ll tell you this. She saved us both when she did your Mum. She saved us both.”  
  
  
Shaking my head clear, I looked back down to find him breathing gently, eyes shut tight. I sighed. He probably hadn’t heard a word after I looked away. Reluctantly I trudged up the stairs, setting Teddy in his bassinet and easing myself carefully onto the mattress next to ‘Dora. Spent, I let sleep take me as well.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
I cursed silently as the floorboard creaked.  
  
  
“Remus?” ‘Dora called out tiredly. I could feel her eyes staring into my back.  
  
  
I turned to face her.  
  
  
“Where are you going?” she whispered loudly, hair flaring red and eyes immediately accusing.  
  
  
Under the pressure of her glare, the speech I had hastily prepared while quickly and quietly dressing went out the window. I slid my wand into my pocket, hoping desperately that the extra instant might bring inspired words of wisdom.  
  
  
“You’re leaving again aren’t you?” she asked simply, striding quickly to where I stood and pulling the door behind her so our…discussion…didn’t disturb Teddy’s light sleep.  
  
  
“Not like that,” I assured her.  
  
  
“Where are you _going_ , Remus?” she pressed, her half furious, half imploring gaze scything through what remained of my defenses.  
  
  
I looked away.  
  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her bury her face in her hands momentarily before placing her head against the wall. Her burning red locks slowly fading to a deep purple.  
  
  
“Hogwarts,” I said simply.  
  
  
She immediately spun toward me. “Then it’s time?”  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
“And you weren’t going to say goodbye.”  
  
  
“It’s would’ve been better–”  
  
  
“Better?!” she interrupted angrily.  
  
  
“I can’t fight you on this,” I fired back tersely. “There’s no time.”  
  
  
My wife was immediately in my face.  
  
  
“I needed to avoid this,” I continued. “I knew you’d insist on coming and that can’t happen.”  
  
  
“Like hell!” ‘Dora hissed.  
  
  
“It _can’t_ ,” I repeated firmly. “It’s not just the two of us now.”  
  
  
“You think I don’t know that?”  
  
  
“Teddy needs _you_. You’re his mother. He’s always needed you more than he needs me.”  
  
  
“Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that!” she snarled. “As if you’re dispensable.”  
  
  
I blinked slowly, looking away again. “He needs you more,” I repeated. “To understand us. To understand himself. To love.”  
  
  
“Remus–” she warned.  
  
  
“You’re in no shape, ‘Dora.”  
  
  
“How am I supposed to just stay here while you could be dying across the country?”  
  
  
“Because this fight is about more than us,” I reiterated, easing the door to our bedroom back open and walking back toward our sleeping infant. “It’s about him,” I whispered, looming over his fragile form. “His life. His future. I _need_ you to protect that. Even if it costs me mine.”  
  
  
“And if you don’t come back? What am I supposed to tell him?” she choked out, her eyes glistening.  
  
  
I stared out the window for a moment, my eyes swiftly tracking to find my old enemy in the sky. “Tell him I loved him. That I fought for him.”  
  
  
“Remus, please.”  
  
  
“Tell him how much I loved you too,” I added, hugging her tightly and gently kissing her cheek, tasting the wet salt of her tears.  
  
  
I pulled away slowly, fighting to control the anguish on my face. She turned to gaze out the window, her pain awash in silver.  
  
  
“ ‘Dora?” I said gently. “Tell him about the moon.”  
  
  
I quickly disapparated.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
I recognized the curse that hit me from the moment it left Dolohov’s wand. The color was purple. His flourish was sinister. And after months on the run, sprinting through the castle, and ten minutes of intense dueling, I was too weak to avoid it. When it struck me, it wasn’t like I imagined. Its potency was legend, but I remained conscious. Still, the powerful knock-back effect sent me immediately to the floor and I was kept there by the staggering pain I felt at the point of impact.  
  
  
Even amidst the chaos around us, Dolohov took time to enjoy the moment. As I struggled against the pain, he stood over me, his eyes filled with hate and his mouth twisted in a triumphant sneer. He said nothing, merely emitting a disturbed hybrid of a low grunt and a chuckle before leaving my fallen body in the Main Courtyard so he could terrorize others.  
  
  
As he tore off into the darkness and mayhem, I could not help but fix my eyes above. There, as ever, was my familiar nemesis. Under its glow, my pain was ironically ebbing. My extremities tingled as my lower half was rapidly started to numb. I closed my eyes briefly, desperately hoping that I would open them to find myself still safely in bed, ‘Dora sleeping next to me and Teddy snoring softly in his bassinet. Alas, when I finally forced them back open, the horror of battle still surrounded me. As my thoughts and senses began to dull, I gazed up at the waxing crescent, considering what it represented. The light was finally surging forth. It was the beginning of its conquering of darkness. As my sound and sight faded, I could finally see only that brightest sliver of the orb that had defined me for so long reaching its apogee. Yes. Fought fiercely under shining stars and silvery moonlight, this battle would save our world. Though I would be remembered only amongst the fallen, it would be the linchpin of my legacy. The most crucial thing I left to ‘Dora and Teddy. It would be my finest hour.  
  
  
 **A/N: For me, addressing the complexity of Lupin’s character within the frame of his last 24 hours was an immense challenge and one I hope I did justice. I wanted to do it in the first-person both because of how I wanted it to begin and end and because I have always felt that Lupin was a very tortured, introspective character. I don’t normally write in the first-person though, so I would love any feedback on that and the characterization. I also felt it had to address so many things: the weight he had carried virtually his whole life, his condition, his relationships with Tonks and his son, his aspirations and faith in Harry, and naturally his death. Hopefully all those goals were accomplished. Was there something I overdid? Something I completely missed? Let me know!**


End file.
